Comparison
by Sara Sidle Grissom
Summary: Response to the weekly unbound challenge on YTDAW. Grissom talks to a cat? Think this is weird? You should read it. Complete.


_A/N: This is a response to an Unbound Challenge from YTDAW, from QD. Please be warned that this piece isn't beta-ed. Hope I did well..._**

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Comparison

The cat stared at Grissom with an evil glare. It was a small, brown cat. His eyes burned deep into Grissom's. He stared at the cat with fascination, how could an animal like this be domestic? Cats were hunters, but the human being annexed it. Grissom knew you could never trust animals, they were domesticated by people, but in their nature they still could be dangerous.

With this thought he saw the similarity, between the cat and somebody he'd rather not think about... Conrad Ecklie. He was somebody you couldn't trust and this cat had the same evil glare that Ecklie had had when he had suspended Sara, Grissom remembered that look all too well. He had asked him to fire her because she had crossed the line with Catherine, but deep in his heart he was happy Sara finally did something to Catherine's attitude towards her. Of course that wasn't something he could show to the outside.

Sara... he went to visit here after Ecklie had suspended her, and she had told him about her back story. He had been there for more than an hour, listening to her, watching her break down and he was there to hold her hand... he had only held her hand for God's sake.  
_Was I really too chicken to do more? _

Without knowing what he was doing Grissom started reviewing his life, talking out loud. It was as if he was talking to the cat, who was still glaring evilly at him. He was whispering, remembering all the mistakes he had made. _Why am I doing this, is it because of the comparison? Or is it because it made me think of Sara? Maybe it's both..._

"You know... I never thought that I would admit this to myself. I... thought I would never have the guts to allow myself happiness. In my past I always had the idea that it was better to keep the walls up, in that case nobody could hurt me. I didn't realize that with keeping up that wall, my vision was blurred towards other people. I never knew I caused so much damage to people, one in particular. After my father left, I couldn't trust people anymore, is there somebody you can trust if you couldn't trust one of your parents? I trusted my mother though, she's one of the two people in my life I ever trusted. Somehow her deafness was a factor in that trust, because she had to trust others as well. When she didn't hear anything she had to trust me that I translated it well... So I guess that made our bond better, we learned to trust each other more and more each day. The other... well, she doesn't trust me after all I did to her. I rejected her so many times, without realizing what I was doing. I never intended to hurt her, but I did... "

He paused for a moment, actually this was a very relieving thing to do, talk about your feelings to some animal that doesn't judge you. This felt safe, this animal wasn't paying any attention, but it seemed like somebody was listening... although it was just a cat. _People will think I'm crazy, talking to animals... But anyway, I'm not hugging a tree, so... this isn't the worst thing._ He never thought he would ever be able to think about the mistakes he had made and he never felt like saying this, but now it seemed a normal thing to do.

"This must sound ridiculous to anybody who would hear this, but I never dared to tell her that I'm sorry. I don't know how to do that, if I talk to her... she'll get to know me. I don't want anyone to know me, I'm... too private for that. Here I am... almost 50 years I've been in this crazy world, the only one who ever cared for me was my mother... Why should Sara care for me? But it's my own fault, I've never been able to tell her how I feel, I mentioned things, like... 'get a diversion'. But I never explained it to her, I never even explained it to myself. Why am I scared? Am I scared of her? No... not scared for Sara as a person. She's wonderful, smart and beautiful, nothing scary about that. But I think I know what it is, I found out a long time ago... I'm afraid that she will be tired of me and my moods someday, that she will say: 'I found somebody else, I'm leaving you.' Deep in my heart I know that that's nothing like Sara. But when that woman, Debbie Marlin, was killed I realized that it would be a big commitment. Something that has to come from both sides, her side is already opened, but how do I know that she will never turn around and leave?"

Grissom didn't notice the familiar figure standing in the doorway, he was to busy with talking. Sara looked at him and tried to be quiet, tears were starting to form in her eyes. _What is he saying? Is he saying that he is able to take the risk?_ She knew it would take a lot of power to convince them, once they were going to talk about this. In her opinion they needed to talk about this, especially if he really cared about her.

"I think I love her. It started the day I met her at that seminar, years ago. She was sitting at the back row, taking notes. Her brown curls framed her face perfectly and I just melted inside, but I had to be professional. I knew... damn, I knew all along that she felt the same. But until today I never knew what to do, the idea of holding her heart in my hand frightened me more than anything. We talked a lot during this seminars, I teached her and she learned from me. But I learned from her too, that friendship was really valuable. I blame myself so much for the way I've acted, I should have showed her my feelings. She deserved to know, but I'm afraid that I'll be too late. That was something she said herself, when I told her I didn't know what to do. It was the truth, I really didn't know what to do back then, but I think I do know now. So what do you think?"

He looked at the cat again, knowing that the animal wasn't going to respond. Somehow he knew what he had to do, although the cat wasn't telling him. What he had said now, was something he had to say to Sara. _I'm not prepared for that. I don't think I can take the confrontation..._ He wiped the tears away that had started to fall when he realized his mistakes. He had been pouring his heart out to some old evil cat, only because of the glare the cat had given him. _How did I get to this? It started with the evil glare, that glare was a comparison to Ecklie's when he suspended Sara. That was how I got here... her suspension. _

He turned around when he heard a voice, whispering his name. Had she heard all of this? Had she heard him tell all that had been on his mind for the last months, maybe years? How long had she been listening? Her voice was demanding, but there was no trace of anger, her voice was soft.

"What was that all about?"

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_The End_


End file.
